arcana imperii :: the book of j


beyond grasp

the eudæmonist uses the following quotation by thomas de quincey (author of confessions of an english opium eater) as preface to his blog's colophon: «i confess it as a besetting infirmity of mine that i am too much of an eudæmonist: i hanker too much after a state of hapiness, both for myself an others».

i identify with this phrase of the english author and intellectual from the first half of the nineteenth century (1765-1859)... except that presently peace of mind and happiness remain completely, absolutely beyond my grasp for they unequivocally rest as hostages in the clenched hands, heart and mind of another and others.

not the punctuation you learned in school

: u ) , . u are nothing but an ? and a ! -

... but i reckon the ) and , etc are meant to be used as regular punctuation, so i guess it's more for something like,
«hey u! jst wanted to ask, what have u been up to? i know it's been a while.»...

come again? i hear all say...

read round the net

«when you find yourself the centre of attention remember to bow out before you end up getting carried off the stage...» ~FragileDimension



i have mourned you as if...

read on net... and it tears me apart...


he was a stranger from the start,
many thought he had no heart,
for he always sat alone,
upon his thrown of ivory bone,
yet if any would try to see,
his heart was torn in three,
and though he tried,
he could not succeed.
in mending his grief stricken heart,
and so he lay down upoin his side...
and died...

but you, you are alive, although unhappy, and i, on the other hand...


it's been written up above...

01~21 september 2005

is it good luck when a disaster saves you from the consequences of your own choices? is it fortunate to get rescued at the last minute by the rule book you hold in contempt? these paradoxes tease you through one end of the week to the other. second chances are embedded in all that chaos and destruction. once the dust settles, search out the fragments that fit together best -- the rest will turn up of their own accord. less is still more.

sending out for intervention from a higher power may leave you vulnerable to forces you hadn't felt really existed. do you have any real choice? nope, not this time. open the door, light your lamp, trim your wick and keep your powder dry. soon, you'll see action.

when it all comes to a head, it really comes to a head. you hoped to miss out on the ultimate ego showdown, but there's no way out of the ok corral without some kind of violence. if it's limited to your aesthetic or sensibilities, you're getting off lightly and would do well to celebrate your relatively unscathed condition. share survival skills with the less fortunate, not by covering their butts too, but by teaching them to take advantage of their inner fortitude.

are you infused with the spirit of expansiveness at home? is there a chance that you come off more like a (benevolent) dictator than a happy homemaker? if you must play the tyrant, don't forget to dress up with lots of shiny medals and ribbons. green things up at work.

go to the mats for what matters. make a stand based on the darkness from which you're now at liberty. your experiences can take you farther than you've ever been in search of your most authentic, least programmed self. but you'll need another go at those pesky details that still won't be tamed by any system of management with which you're yet familiar. there's a totemic animal waiting to serve as your guide through this next stage of development.

symbiosis is not parasitism. you're giving out and you're getting back and the balance is as fair as can be. cut yourself some slack, and share that round with anyone else who could use a break right now. these accidental allies could become formidable accomplices. charm.

note: attribution forthcoming.


stop thief!

my beautiful, if out of tune, piano was one of the first things my neighbours, friends and strangers alike attempted to save from the vultures and piranhas happy to dispossess me of my property last week, as i lost my home of twelve-years. i worked long, arduous hours to purchase it years ago, and dedicated longer hours still to learn how to play it a bit... it represented and embodied deeply personal ambition, frustration, regret, achievement, that it's disappearance is a crime i would punish by personally chopping the hands off the perpetrators... a caveat: foot-in-mouth possible if a kind soul, unable to locate me (not likely), has it in custody.

my kawai had been placed in the bulding's parking lot, behind a gate which presumably can only be opened by residents and staff. i covered it with white-goose down featherbeds, pillows and down cushions in an attempt to protect it from the elements but these were stolen overnight, in complete disegard of the notice i had written in a most shaky and distressed hand appealing all to help protect and save this instrument. the heavens co-operated and apparently not a perceptible drop of rain has fallen since "the event"... but when i went to retrieve the piano yesterday afternoon i discovered it had been moved. but nobody rang with any news... the condominium board, as far as i, and hopefully the law, are concerned, should be held responsible and accountable for this most mean-spirited dishonourable, unethical, illegal act.

any thoughts? can anyone help?



from the 05 september 2005 entry at the brilliant how to learn swedish in 1000 difficult lessons:

«...the federal government's lethal ineptitude wasn't just a consequence of mr bush's personal inadequacy; it was a consequence of ideological hostility to the very idea of using government to serve the public good. for 25 years the right has been denigrating the public sector, telling us that government is always the problem, not the solution. why should we be surprised that when we needed a government solution, it wasn't forthcoming?» ~paul krugman, the new york times

this really gets to the kern[e]l of what is wrong with america: americans have been tricked into thinking that the government shouldn't exist to protect their interests.

the swedish word for the day is bestörtning. it means dismay.

quotations of the week

here's a few thoughts providing partial insight into my current state of mind...

«all beings come from little, and little is needed for them to come to nothing.»
~joseph joubert

«when faced with an unavoidable physical confrontation i always thought that it showed a higher degree of intelligence to strike the first blow.»
~larry csonka

«le cœur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît point.»


my home is no more

i lost my home of twelve years one week ago tomorrow. lost it to avarice, abuse of process, mean-spiritedness and the worst kind of human scum on the planet. i was twelve days late on $1500 rent plus disputed fees. not only was the roof over my head taken from me, but apparently ordinary americans feel and think that private property labelled as such, yet sitting on the pavement is somehow public property to be stolen in broad daylight and with impunity, even while cameras click away...

lost is also a great degree of innocence and faith in the fellow man. even in some who once upon a time found themselves enjoying the honour of my friendship and love. fortunately, strangers, human «angels» very much of flesh and blood, quickly proved that for every parasite disguised as homo sapiens, there's incalculable kindness and greatness in the souls/minds/hearts (one and the same to me) of people who've earned my gratitude until my demise.

a full account of this tragedy shall find its way to these pages as soon as i find less temporary shelter.


the devil comes knocking

«et ego in arcadia vixi.»
~there was a serpent even in the garden of eden~

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quotation of the «weeks»

it's been almost a month since i was able to return to these most missed pages... pages which since december 2004 hardly resemble what came before them... in the words of the brilliant willa cather, «there are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm».