what? how?
well, there were more where the were more where the previous one came from... haha! they are meant to brighten your monday morning at the office...
--how do crazy people go through the forest?
--they take the psycho path.
--how do you get holy water?
--you boil the hell out of it.
--what do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
--dam!
--what do you call cheese that isn't yours?
--nacho cheese.
--what do you call santa's helpers?
--subordinate clauses.
--what do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
--quattro sinko..
--what do you get from a pampered cow?
--spoiled milk.
--what do you get when you cross-breed a snowman with a vampire?
--frostbite.
--what lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
--a nervous wreck.
--what's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
--anyone can roast beef.
--why do gorillas have big nostrils?
--because they have big fingers.
--why don't blind people like to sky-dive?
--because it scares the dog.
--what is the difference between a harley and a hoover?
--the location of the dirt bag.
--why did pilgrims' trousers always fall down?
--because they wore their belt buckle on their hat.
--how are a texas tornado and a tennessee divorce the same?
--in both somebody'll lose a caravan (US:
trailer)
hope at least one of these made you smile! the beauty of language! and merci, encore une fois, jMc!
# posted by j @ 02:49 et / | 
where?
--where do you find a dog with no legs?
--right where you left it!
merci, cher jMc! hahahaha!
# posted by j @ 21:09 et / |
thanksgiving day 2004
best of all is it to preserve everything in a pure, still heart, and let there be for every pulse a thanksgiving, and for every breath a song. ~konrad von gesner
# posted by j @ 22:16 et / |
plenty of enthusiastic anger
you will argue that for every one of your actions, i'll offer an equal and opposite criticism. true. and it's because whenever i present you with light at the end of the tunnel you try to convince me it's actually the light of an approaching train.
you think that it doesnt matter what you do. that it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do. of course, in your eyes everything remains plausibly deniable, and so you refuse to speak the truth, attempting constantly to make me feel like i like we're diagonally parked in a parallel universe. and "up with this crap i will not put." furthermore, i refuse to be depressed for depression is nothing more than anger without enthusiasm and i've got plenty of that.
just remember that those who live by the sword... get shot by those who don't.
# posted by j @ 22:10 et / |
running out of time...
well, as we rapidly approach the bus stop of the apocalypse, i notice that four horsemen have all come along at the same time. and, as the vanquished char-woman of time begins to shake-n-vac the shagpile of eternity, i notice that we have just run out of time.
i'm sorry i haven't a clue, bbc 4.
# posted by j @ 21:52 et / |
the turkey...ugh
the turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
it ricocheted into a corner
and burst with a deafening boom,
then splattered all over the kitchen,
completely obscuring the room.
it stuck to the walls and the windows,
it totally coated the floor,
there was turkey attached to the ceiling,
where there'd never been turkey before.
it blanketed every appliance,
it smeared every saucer and bowl,
there wasn't a way i could stop it,
that turkey was out of control.
i scraped and i scrubbed with displeasure,
and thought with chagrin as i mopped,
that i'd never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hadn't been popped.
# posted by j @ 21:44 et / |
hebban olla vogala
hebban olla vogala nestas hagunnan
hinase hic enda thu
uuat unbidan uue nu?
all the birds have begun their nests
except me and you
what are we waiting for?
~late 11th century love poem, first written example of old-dutch or more specifically, south-west flemish.
# posted by j @ 20:16 et / |
shame on you: CBS «sorry» for arafat newsflash
US tv network
cbs apologised for interrupting crime drama
csi: ny five minutes before it was due to end late wednesday evening for a newsflash announcing palestinan leader
yasser arafat's death.
in response to
viewer complaints cbs said in a statement that it sincerely regretted the error and that «an overly-aggressive cbs news producer jumped the gun with a report that should have been offered to local stations for their late news» [that is, after the show]. (other networks waited until a gap in programming to break the news). cbs also announced the episode would be repeated in its entirety friday evening.
my friend
sW forwarded this bit of news today and i share his outrage and dismay. regardless of one's feelings, knowledge or understanding about yasser arafat, his death was indeed important, consequential "breaking news" requiring immediate reporting. for anybody to be as xenophobic, prejudiced, ignorant and even racist as to
complain to the television station for interrupting the show in progress was not only absurd but as shameful and reprehensible as it was for cbs to issue the disrespectful apology.
source: bbc news.
# posted by j @ 20:07 et / |
an email to president bush re: enforcement of god's laws
----- original message -----
from: [name withheld by
ai]
to: arcana imperii
sent: tuesday, 09 november 2004 15:13 et
subject: enforcement of god's laws
dear president bush:
thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding god's law. i have learned a great deal from you and try to share that knowledge with as many people as i can. for instance, when someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, i simply remind them that leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. end of debate, right?
however, i would like to ask you for some advice regarding some other elements of god's laws and how to follow them:
- leviticus 25:44 states that i may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. a friend of mine claims that this applies to mexicans, but not to canadians. could you clarify? why can't i own canadians?
- i would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in exodus 21:7. in this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
- i know that i am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (leviticus 15:19-24). the problem is, it's not always easy to tell ahead of time. i have tried asking, but it seems most women take offence at this. what would you recommend?
- when i burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, i know it creates a pleasing odour for the lord (leviticus 1:9). but my neighbours claim the odour is not pleasing to them. should i smite them?
- i have a neighbour who insists on working on the sabbath. exodus 35:2 clearly states that he should be put to death. am i obligated to kill him myself, or should i ask the police to do it?
- a friend of mine feels that, even though eating shellfish is an abomination (leviticus 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. i disagree. could you settle this? are there "degrees" of abomination?
- leviticus 21:20 states that i may not approach the altar of god if i have a defect in my sight. i have to admit that i wear reading glasses. does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
- most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by leviticus 19:27. how should they die?
- i know from leviticus 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may i still play football if i wear gloves?
- my uncle has a farm. he violates leviticus 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field. his wife also violates god's law by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (in her case it's a cotton/polyester blend). my uncle also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them as precribed in leviticus 24:10-16? couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws as instructed in leviticus 20:14?
i know you have studied these things extensively and thus boast considerable expertise in such matters, so i am confident you can help.
thank you again for reminding us that god's word is eternal and
unchanging.
# posted by j @ 19:01 et / |
new link: maureen dowd
arcana imperii wishes to note that
maureen dowd's new york time's op-ed page has been added to the general links section of the blog's sidebar. her insight, knowledge, intelligence, clarity and wisdom are a food for though, a weekly delight delight and a must-read for all.
her
bio from
the times:
maureen dowd, winner of the 1999 pulitzer prize for distinguished commentary, became a columnist on the new york times op-ed page in 1995 after having served as a correspondent in the paper's washington bureau since 1986. she has covered four presidential campaigns and served as white house correspondent. she also wrote a column, «on washington», for the new york times magazine. ms dowd joined the new york times as a metropolitan reporter in 1983. she began her career in 1974 as an editorial assistant for the washington star, where she later became a sports columnist, metropolitan reporter and feature writer. when the star closed in 1981, she went to time magazine.
born in washington dc, ms dowd received a BA degree in english literature from catholic university (washington, dc) in 1973.dank u, rt!
# posted by j @ 02:32 et / |
google desktop search
a ce moment proposé en version d'essai, le programme
google desktop search (logiciel de recherche de contenu sur pc proposé par
google) permet à l'utilisateur de retrouver un document situé dans son ordinateur, qu'il s'agisse d'un
courriel, d'un message instantané, d'une page sur l'internet ou d'un fichier microsoft office.
ce logiciel est en développement depuis 2003 et était connu sous le nom de code «fluffy bunny.» google s'engage à respecter la vie privée en signalant qu'aucune donnée n'est transmise lors des recherches.
techniquement,
google desktop search repose sur un moteur capable d'indexer dynamiquement les fichiers microsoft word, excel, powerpoint, les pages web visualisées avec avec internet explorer, les conversations d'aol instant messenger, les courriels d'outlook, outlook express, hotmail et yahoo! mail.
l'interface permettant d'utiliser et de configurer ce logiciel se présente sous un simple formulaire de recherche dans un navigateur web (de manière identique au moteur de recherche google).
il faudrait rappelller au lecteurs que le marché et déjà occupé d'ailleurs par d'autres acteurs un peu moins connus, comme par exemple
copernic.
moi, je n'en savais rien! j'en ai tant besoin d'un bon logiciel de ce genre je vais les essayer tous!
source: google affronte microsoft avec le google desktop search
# posted by j @ 03:35 et / |
progress
«how wonderful that we have met with a paradox. now we have some hope of making progress.» ~niels bohr
# posted by j @ 18:44 et / |
little gem
«that's what it takes to be a hero, a little gem of innocence inside you that makes you want to believe that there still exists a right and wrong, that decency will somehow triumph in the end.» ~lise hand
# posted by j @ 03:31 et / |
re: sunday pm
«i looked, as if for the first time. i looked at people and at the order of things for the first time and i saw, i saw simply, and understood simply, understood with every last drop of me all of it – how people have set things up – isn’t the real thing. and so it will not be that way, because i do not wish it.»~lydia zinovieva-annibal, the tragic menagerie, tr. jane costlow, p.60.
via the eudæmonist.
# posted by j @ 03:01 et / |
post-electoral thought
«the whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.» ~bertrand russell, philosopher, mathematician, author, nobel laureate (1872-1970)
via wordsmith.
# posted by j @ 01:10 et / |
bite me!
somebody must have just watched
gladiator or been enjoying his copy of
foxe's book of martyrs over in taipei and must have got lost in the translation.
reuters reported that a forty-six-year-old man leaped into a lion's den at taipei zoo yesterday to try to convert the king of beasts to christianity, but was bitten in the leg for his efforts. television footage showed the man shouting with both arms raised «jesus will save you! come bite me!» at two african lions lounging under a tree a few metres away. one of the lions, a large male with a shaggy mane, bit the man in his right leg before zoo workers drove it off with water hoses and tranquiliser guns. newspapers said that the lions had been fed earlier in the day, otherwise the man might have been more seriously hurt ... or worse.
oh, religious fervour! i see a great job opportunity for bush's most extremist christian supporters...
# posted by j @ 21:50 et / |
the 100 rules of politics
a crash course in political reality [and mediocrity]
- a better-liked candidate will almost always beat a more competent candidate. ~bill straub
- whenever two candidates agree on an issue, there's no debate on that issue, so the contest shifts to other issues. ~clifford d may
- winning elections is about moving "swing voters." winning is not about reaching the voters already for you or against you, but by focusing on the undecideds, the swing vote. ~the democracy center
- whoever controls the agenda, controls the outcome. ~professor david c leege
- never make more campaign promises than necessary. ~the wyeth wire
- the only two real political questions are: "who's getting screwed?" and "who's doing the screwing?" ~molly ivins
- simplify your campaign message. if you can't get your message down to two or three sentences, you're more interested in hearing yourself talk than you are in communicating. ~sal gazzetta
- in politics, an organized minority is a political majority. ~jesse jackson
- avoid controversy. ~david ammons
- fundraise often. the candidate should spend four to five hours, six days a week, fundraising. a candidate who is serious about winning will do this. ~bob mcdevitt
- become reality-driven. don't kid yourself. find out what's what, and base your decisions and actions on that. ~gary e johnson
- if you don't delegate, you'll lose. ~craig varoga
- if in doubt, don't. if still in doubt, do what's right. ~donald rumsfeld
- campaign behaviour for wives: always be on time. do as little talking as humanly possible. lean back in the parade car so everybody can see the president. ~eleanor roosevelt
- when only one side fights, they win. ~james zogby
- good intentions do not necessarily produce good results. ~daniel r simmons
- always change a losing game plan. ~alan tonelson
- do not lose touch with reality. take voters as they are. for most voters, politics is only a small and not very important part of life. ~rainer erkens
- define yourself and your priorities before your opposition defines you. ~joe murray
- the more campaigning, the better. ~unknown
- what really counts is not how many people line up on each side of an issue, but how intensely each side holds its opinions. ~james m lindsay
- always ask the question: how does this make people happy? at the end of the day, elections are about making people happy. ~garry f douglas
- politics is practised to be in power. politics is practised to remain in power. one way or the other, politics is the game of power. ~nepal news
- people with power never give it up without a fight. ~mark latham
- take care of your supporters. ~john stackhouse
- to get votes, you must offer people something and be respected by your constituency. ~arthur nitzburg
- avoid energising the opposition's base. ~solveig singleton
- talk about what voters care about. ~sal gazzetta
- the winner is not always the swiftest, surest, or smartest. it's the one willing to get up at 5:00 am and go to the plant gate to meet the workers. ~unknown
- get elected. get re-elected. ~everett dirksen
- with the press, there is no «off the record». ~donald rumsfeld
- most people vote against somebody rather than for somebody. ~franklin pierce adams
- listen to the people and focus on their prime needs. voters are pretty down to earth. the successful politician listen to voters, identifies the «bread and butter issues», and addresses them. ~rainer erkens
- before you announce your campaign, be prepared to answer the question: «why are you running?» you should have a one-sentence, 30-second, 2-minute, and 10-minute version of this answer. ~ron crickenberger
- the fact that you're on their side doesn't mean that they're on your side. ~t. nielsen hayden
- beware when any idea is promoted primarily because it is «bold, exciting, innovative, and new». there are many ideas that are bold, exciting, innovative, and new, but also foolish. ~donald rumsfeld
- don't run against a popular incumbent unless you are well known and have a strong base of support. ~arthur nitzburg
- when you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. ~dennis green
- the pen is mightier than the sword, but money beats them both. ~bradley canon
- speak in simple terms! use short sentences. avoid complicated technical terms people can't even pronounce, let alone understand. ~rainer erkens
- in politics, there is no heavier burden than stratospheric expectations. ~george korda
- the first rule of politics is to know thine enemy. ~newt gingrich
- don't be fooled by your own propaganda. ~dave stewart
- persuasion is a two-edged sword ~reason and emotion. plunge it deep. ~professor lewis sarett, sr.
- politics is the art of the possible. ~otto von bismarck
- there are no permanent victories in washington. ~edwin j feulner
- never argue with a fool. people might not know the difference. ~unknown
- voters want to know where you stand on the two or three compelling issues that matter in their lives. tell them what you will do about the problem in one or two short sentences. ~dotty e lemieux
- everyone has a scheme that will not work. ~unknown
- never let the extreme wing of your party have any part in the campaign. the extremists have nowhere else to go. they are a given. the group you're after is the middle, and you don't get them by making them think that your party kooks will ever really have a role in governing. ~rafe mair
- find your message and stay on it. ~suzi parker
- don't talk about what you care about; talk about what they care about. ~sal gazzetta
- if you are a candidate, focus on only two things: raising money and effectively communicating your message to the voters. everything else should be handled by staff or volunteers. ~kamioner & associates
- it's better to have your enemies inside the tent pissing out, than outside the tent pissing in. ~lyndon b johnson
- a good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. ~general george patton
- don't do anything you wouldn't want to read about in the local newspaper. ~george skelton
- if everyone in your community looks like a penguin, don't run as an aardvark. ~sal gazzetta
- feelings aren't right or wrong. they just are. don't dismiss anyone's feelings on an issue. no matter how wrong you may believe they are, feelings generally are stronger motivators than facts. ~garry f douglas
- everyone believes they are in the middle of the road politically. ~unknown
- the ground rules of politics generally begin and end with doing what it takes to win. ~john l smith
- whenever anyone says it's not about the money, it's about the money. ~bill clinton
- no attack should go unanswered. ~steve bousquet
- the art of politics consists in knowing precisely when it is necessary to hit an opponent slightly below the belt. ~konrad adenauer
- don't use words no one else does. ~gregory dunn
- money is still the mother's milk of politics. if you don't have at least a bare-bones budget, you will end up exhausted, broke, and un-elected. ~dotty e lemieux
- when your interview segment is finished, assume your microphone is still on. ~doug & d.m. collins
- never get into an argument with people who buy ink by the barrel. ~lane kirkland
- everybody is for change in general, but they're scared of it in particular. ~bill clinton
- the more you actually accomplish, the louder your critics become. learn to ignore them. maintain your integrity and continue to do what's right. ~gary e johnson
- first rule of politics: you can't win unless you're on the ballot. ~donald rumsfeld
- for every human problem there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong. ~h.l. mencken
- campaign money is used to target people who are going to vote. ~amy goldstein & richard morin
- beware every policy's unintended consequences. ~joyce purnick
- when politicians need to «find» money, they always seem able to. ~george howland, jr.
- a rule of thumb: in a winning race, expect to spend at least $1 per person in your district. per person; not per voter. ~sal gazzetta
- when your enemy is busy digging himself into a ditch, let him keep digging. ~stephen moore
- image is everything. ~linda williamson
- analyse your strong and your weak points, and try to reduce or eliminate those weak points which prevent you from succeeding. ~rainer erkens
- how you do in one election does not always translate into how you will
do in another one. ~ron faucheux
- keep your sense of humour. as general joe stillwell said, «the higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of his behind». ~donald rumsfeld
- no matter how many yard signs you put up, some will eventually disappear. ~joe garecht
- consultants don't lose elections; candidates do. ~michael tomasky
- politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other. ~oscar ameringer
- all politics is local. ~tip o'neil
- those who cast the votes decide nothing. those who count the votes decide everything. ~josef stalin
- behold the turtle. he makes progress only when he sticks his neck out. ~james b conant
- raise 20% of your total campaign funds up front as seed money. if you can't get 20% of that money as seed money up front, you shouldn't be running to win. ~sal gazzetta
- secure your base. ~madeleine albright
- money matters most in modern elections. ~derek cressman
- what you say doesn't matter; it's what your opponents can claim you say which counts. ~simon hoggart
- if you know what you're doing, do more of it. but if you don't know what you're doing, do less. ~james pinkerton
- concentrate on three issues which are of interest to your voters and stick to them. ~rainer erkens
- perception is reality. don't ignore the importance of perceptions. ~garry f douglas
- if you step in front of a microphone, get your facts straight. ~ron word
- determine your goal. develop a plan to reach that goal. then act; don't procrastinate. ~gary e johnson
- voters expect immediate and tangible benefits for themselves. voters want to know exactly what you will do for them. ~rainer erkens
- dance with the one that brung you. ~darryl royal
- anything that will be revealed eventually should be revealed immediately. ~henry kissinger
- an organised minority trumps a disorganized majority. ~sam freedman
- never turn down a free meal and never miss an opportunity to visit the bathroom. ~lyndon b johnson
source: the fundamental rules of politics by bill winter, libertarian party news editor.
# posted by j @ 03:34 et / |
«american nightmare»: selected passages
just hours away from election day, it may serve us well to consider the following thoughts:
«william carlos williams wrote "the pure products of america go crazy". these words could serve as a motto for the age of bush. in years to come historians will likely judge the bush presidency one of the worst in the history of the republic --an amalgam of arrogance, radicalism and folly so egregious it's almost laughable. abandoning common sense in foreign affairs, weakening the rule of law, handing the nation's wealth over to the super-rich, and squandering the friendship and sympathy of the world in rigid pursuit of a chimerical dream of a world that cannot threaten us, the bush presidency has betrayed the nation's deepest principles, both liberal and conservative...»
«alarmed and outraged, half of a bitterly divided nation protested, but it did so alone. cowed by 9/11 and intimidated by a right-wing media machine that wielded the flag like a spear, congress and the media, the institutions that should have checked bush's mad rush to war, abandoned their posts until it was too late. from its dubious beginning to its fear-mongering, vote-suppressing end (one hopes), the bush era has been a perfect storm in which all the worst aspects of our national temper -- insularity, empty swagger and ignorance -- have come together...»
«a pious, foolish and poorly educated man, surrounded by zealots and knaves, dreamed of smiting the evildoers, but instead put a sword into their hands. he imagined that by invading a state in the heart of the arab world, he would cut through the gordian knot, but he entangled his army in writhing coils. he fantasised that an all-powerful america would stand atop a grateful world, but he made his nation despised everywhere, and particularly in the one region of the world where it is most important that we not be despised. this is the world bush left us. we must make a new one.» source:
american nightmare (opinion:
gary kamiya, salon.com founder) via
rmt.
# posted by j @ 19:16 et / |
the twilight zone
«...afghanistan and iraq will be studied for years for their brilliance....» ~dick cheney at a rally in montoursville, pa, 29 october 2004
cheney was naturally referring to US military intervention in those countries as they've unfolded in an alternative planet earth in another dimension in a parallel universe (aka bush's mind, hahaha).
today's stats, courtesy of said tactical brilliance: nine marines killed in attack; twenty-five civilians slain in separate incidents.
source & inspiration: rmt.
# posted by j @ 18:57 et / |
quotation of the week
«man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but usually manages to pick himself up, walk over or around it, and carry on.» ~ winston churchillLabels: quotations
# posted by j @ 02:23 et / |
